GOD IS A STRAIGHT WHITE MAN: An Introduction to Hate
I would like to start at the end. God is not straight. God is not white. God is not a man.
Should have put in a spoiler alert, my bad, so why read on now that you know the ending? Well, my thought is that if you read this title, if you clicked the link, and now that you have read my conclusion, you have likely felt a few things already, you know, those pesky emotions, and I see 3 categories the experience may have landed in to.
FIRST, there are those of you who read whats above this and said, “Uhm, yeah…duh.”, and my hope is that reading this will help illuminate a worldview that without having had to escape is hard to fathom the intangible, emotional, or spiritual cage one was being held in.
SECOND, the others who read what’s above and have already become very upset as I have flicked the cosmic balance on which the scale of your world view exists, well, I have already done what I was wanting to do, so read on if you would like to continue that and challenge yourself, or don’t.
THIRD, you are like me. You are at a spot that you have been sifting through all the layers, the complications, the life, lies, and weight of coming to a spot where the god you were given is not one that translates very well in to loving anyone but yourself. You are confused, hurt, lost, and ready to tear down every wall, cross every line, feel every emotion that you were denied as it was all called sin. You are ready to find your way back home, whatever home is since everyone in your “community” no longer can maintain their own sense of security when you are around.
SO! Wherever you are! Whatever you feel! The truth is, this is about me. MY journey of how I came to realize that when I lifted my eyes to the heavens seeking the destruction of mine enemies while reveling in the guilt of my self-righteous, self-inflicted American godshot wound that I was praying not to the great I am, but the great, the one, the only…ME.
The Gospel of Garbage
When I began playing my music out in “the world” as we are so cunningly named, I came to see that despite being raised in a church culture that used the word love to explain and support every aspect of its belief system that it did not translate into actual action in the real world, it instead made everyone and every relationship into a transaction. All these people of “the world” around me were just someone not to be influenced by, everyone around me was trying to send me down the path of the devil’s lettuce, fornication, talking about your real feelings, and not pretending you didn’t have emotions (those heathens). This had been drilled into my head since before I could walk, talk, or make a decision for myself, that the world was the devil’s and I am supposed to show them what’s up with the righteous truth bomb that they deserve to burn in hell forever…through love of course. My framework was that the knowledge of knowing everyone around me was going to hell is my motivator to save them. No one was safe, everyone was my project, everyone was an opportunity, and while I simultaneously “loved” them enough to live a life of truth in a world of lies, I hated them all so much because they represented the darkest ambitions of my evil vile heart. See, if you weren’t raised in the church you haven’t been graced with the Gospel of Garbage, I’ll explain.
The Gospel of Garbage Chapter 1 v. 1 - 3
1. And a voice rang out from the heavens, 2. “BEHOLD!!! the Gospel of Garbage!” 3. YOU. ARE. FILTH. Your heart is bad, your motivations are only evil, there is nothing good in you, your sexual desires are sick and nasty (until you get married, then do your thing you horn dog you), your anger is BAD, your doubts are BAD, your happiness in that worldly thing, BAD, your friendships with that kid who isn’t saved, BAD, girls having boobs, BAD, girls wanting to lead, REALLY BAD, boys not stepping up and being men, not as bad as women wanting to lead, BUT STILL BAD, whatever it is we can find a way to make sure it is, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAAAAAAAAAAAAD.
(An excerpt from the Gospel of Garbage)
So NOW! Now, that they have you emotionally compromised, when they have you shriveled up into a fetal position of guilt and self hatred you are introduced to, drum roll please…the saving grace and love of none other than that fine lookin, blue eyed, blonde haired man you all know and love…Braaaaaad Pitt!!!…ope, hold on, I mean, JESUUUUUUS CHRIIIIIIST!!! Then we all cry, beg God’s forgiveness, place all our hopes and faith in a life that will finally be good WHEN WE DIE, and move on to total self deprecation in the name of god.
I want to take a second here, and say without hesitation, THAT. IS. CHILD ABUSE. When you take a young, developing, fragile mind, full of hopes, imagination, and no experience, and tell them everything about them is garbage, you accomplish one thing. You accomplish deep seeded self-hatred and a standard of goodness that you and no one else around you will ever live up to. So here I am, a young man, surrounded by white people, conservative white people to be exact, a God that hates every natural thing about me that he supposedly created in 7 days, but then come to find out I messed it all up through someone else’s bad decision, namely Adam who was a moron and Eve who was just that sexy ass trickster with her evil sexy ass body (ah man, as a sexually repressed 12 year old I loved those drawings growing up that showed Eve juuuuuuust covered enough by them fig leaves, mmmmmm, church porn) who then tricked Adam’s evil dick into eating from what better have been some pretty damn good fruit since it ruined our relationship with god and would set the course of mankind for all eternity. Wait…where was I? Oh yes, there I was, a young man who now hated himself, was taught that god made men first because we are supposed to lead, and girls second to follow (smile for me sweetheart), that the whole process was to show us that a penis and vagina were only meant to exist in male dominated, female submitted relationships for the purpose of, “Go forth and make babies to populate the earth.” which is now ruined because of us, hence why peepees might like other peepees and we never talked about the “L” word because that wasn’t in the Bible, just gay dudes who had what was coming to them when hail and brimstone rained down on Sodom & Gomorrah, (all god’s people say amen). I was taught that I ruled the earth, my country was god’s, we would take it all back for him, and that this cruel sick life was punishment for my sins while I finish out my days on this temporary home called the world.
So while I was to live out my days rebuking every natural inclination of my heart I was required to faithfully go and listen to god’s mouthpiece on earth and I listened to him every Sunday, I listened to HIM, every Sunday, HIM. EVERY. SUNDAY. I listened to god’s white privileged, heterosexual privileged, male dominated privileged mouthpiece every Sunday till I was in my 20s. This influenced how I felt about race, religion, politics, gender, and ultimately the way I felt about myself. I had all the answers, every rebuttal, every argument ready to defend my white, straight, dude god, and all my lines, walls, and black and white understanding of the world gave me the most righteous platform of hate hidden in the greatest story of self-sacrifice and love the world has ever seen, AND BOY DID THE VIEW LOOK GOOD FROM UP THERE. So how does someone claw their way out of the steel cage of religion? Very simple actually, tug, one, string. The truth is that the whole structure is built on a twisted array of opinions, racism, misogyny, and control through fear and self hatred, that when you pull on ONE strand and decide for yourself that you have had enough, THE WHOLE THING COMES TUMBLING DOWN. It wasn’t till my early 20s that I read the Bible for myself, truly for the first time, and I realized something very crucial. I realized that I placed my faith in a worldview not based on what the Bible actually said, but the heavily influenced worldview and opinions of white, heterosexual men, and HO-LY SHIT did that rock my boat, and there was no Jesus sleeping next to me to calm that storm, just some angry white people ready to throw me out of that said boat like the sacrifice of Jonah to the sea.
This party is just getting started, I have a lot to flush out of my system, and a lot of things to hit, but I would personally like to invite you to be a part of my journey. Stay tuned for the next blog post, but first!
What are your thoughts? Was this your experience or no? Which category did you land in? Leave a comment below friends! Peace.